AristophanesThe Project Gutenberg EBook of The Clouds, by Aristophanes
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Title: The Clouds
Author: Aristophanes
Translator: William James Hickie
Release Date: December 11, 2008 [EBook #2562]
Last Updated: January 22, 2013
Language: English
Produced by An Anonymous Volunteer, and David Widger
THE CLOUDS
By Aristophanes
Translated by William James Hickie
* All Greek from the original edition has been transliterated into Roman characters.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Strepsiades
Phidippides
Servant of Strepsiades
Disciples of Socrates
Socrates
Chorus of Clouds
Just Cause
Unjust Cause
Pasias
Amynias
Witness
Chaerephon
Phidippides
Servant of Strepsiades
Disciples of Socrates
Socrates
Chorus of Clouds
Just Cause
Unjust Cause
Pasias
Amynias
Witness
Chaerephon
Scene: The interior of a sleeping-apartment:
Strepsiades, Phidippides, and two servants are in their
beds; a small house is seen at a distance. Time:
midnight.
Strepsiades (sitting up in his bed). Ah me! Ah me!
King Jupiter, of what a terrible length the nights are!
Will it never be day And yet long since I heard the
cock. My domestics are snoring; but they would not have
done so heretofore! May you perish then, O war! For many
reasons; because I may not even punish my domestics.
Neither does this excellent youth awake through the
night; but takes his ease, wrapped up in five blankets.
Well, if it is the fashion, let us snore wrapped up.
Strepsiades, Phidippides, and two servants are in their
beds; a small house is seen at a distance. Time:
midnight.
Strepsiades (sitting up in his bed). Ah me! Ah me!
King Jupiter, of what a terrible length the nights are!
Will it never be day And yet long since I heard the
cock. My domestics are snoring; but they would not have
done so heretofore! May you perish then, O war! For many
reasons; because I may not even punish my domestics.
Neither does this excellent youth awake through the
night; but takes his ease, wrapped up in five blankets.
Well, if it is the fashion, let us snore wrapped up.
[Lies down, and then almost immediately starts up
again.]
But I am not able, miserable man, to sleep, being
tormented by my expenses, and my stud of horses, and my
debts, through this son of mine. He with his long hair,
is riding horses and driving curricles, and dreaming of
horses; while I am driven to distraction, as I see the
moon bringing on the twentieths; for the interest is
running on. Boy! Light a lamp, and bring forth my
tablets, that I may take them and read to how many I am
indebted, and calculate the interest.
[Enter boy with a light and tablets.]
Come, let me see; what do I owe? Twelve minae to
Pasias. Why twelve minae to Pasias? Why did I borrow
them? When I bought the blood-horse. Ah me, unhappy!
Would that it had had its eye knocked out with a stone
first!
Phidippides (talking in his sleep). You are acting
unfairly, Philo! Drive on your own course.
Strep. This is the bane that has destroyed me; for even
in his sleep he dreams about horsemanship.
Phid. How many courses will the war-chariots run?
Strep. Many courses do you drive me, your father. But
what debt came upon me after Pasias? Three minae to
Amynias for a little chariot and pair of wheels.
Phid. Lead the horse home, after having given him a good
rolling.
Strep. O foolish youth, you have rolled me out of my
possessions; since I have been cast in suits, and others
say that they will have surety given them for the
interest.
Phid. (awakening) Pray, father, why are you peevish, and
toss about the whole night?
Strep. A bailiff out of the bedclothes is biting
me.
Phid. Suffer me, good sir, to sleep a little.
Strep. Then, do you sleep on; but know that all these
debts will turn on your head.
[Phidippides falls asleep again.]
Alas! Would that the match-maker had perished miserably,
who induced me to marry your mother. For a country life
used to be most agreeable to me, dirty, untrimmed,
reclining at random, abounding in bees, and sheep, and
oil-cake. Then I, a rustic, married a niece of Megacles,
the son of Megacles, from the city, haughty, luxurious,
and Coesyrafied. When I married her, I lay with her
redolent of new wine, of the cheese-crate, and abundance
of wool; but she, on the contrary, of ointment, saffron,
wanton-kisses, extravagance, gluttony, and of Colias and
Genetyllis. I will not indeed say that she was idle;
but she wove. And I used to show her this cloak by way
of a pretext and say "Wife, you weave at a great
rate."
Servant re-enters.
Servant. We have no oil in the lamp.
Strep. Ah me! Why did you light the thirsty lamp? Come
hither that you may weep!
Ser. For what, pray, shall I weep?
Strep. Because you put in one of the thick wicks.
[Servant runs out]
After this, when this son was born to us, to me,
forsooth, and to my excellent wife, we squabbled then
about the name: for she was for adding hippos to the
name, Xanthippus, or Charippus, or Callipides; but I was
for giving him the name of his grandfather, Phidonides.
For a time therefore we disputed; and then at length we
agreed, and called him Phidippides. She used to take
this son and fondle him, saying, "When you, being grown
up, shall drive your chariot to the city, like Megacles,
with a xystis." But I used to say, "Nay, rather, when
dressed in a leathern jerkin, you shall drive goats from
Phelleus, like your father." He paid no attention to my
words, but poured a horse-fever over my property. Now,
therefore, by meditating the whole night, I have
discovered one path for my course extraordinarily
excellent; to which if I persuade this youth I shall be
saved. But first I wish to awake him. How then can I
awake him in the most agreeable manner? How?
Phidippides, my little Phidippides?
Phid. What, father?
Strep. Kiss me, and give me your right hand!
Phid. There. What's the matter?
Strep. Tell me, do you love me?
Phid. Yes, by this Equestrian Neptune.
Strep. Nay, do not by any means mention this Equestrian
to me, for this god is the author of my misfortunes.
But, if you really love me from your heart, my son, obey
me.
Phid. In what then, pray, shall I obey you?
Strep. Reform your habits as quickly as possible, and go
and learn what I advise.
Phid. Tell me now, what do you prescribe?
Strep. And will you obey me at all?
Phid. By Bacchus, I will obey you.
Strep. Look this way then! Do you see this little door
and little house?
Phid. I see it. What then, pray, is this, father?
Strep. This is a thinking-shop of wise spirits. There
dwell men who in speaking of the heavens persuade people
that it is an oven, and that it encompasses us, and that
we are the embers. These men teach, if one give them
money, to conquer in speaking, right or wrong.
Phid. Who are they?
Strep. I do not know the name accurately. They are
minute philosophers, noble and excellent.
Phid. Bah! They are rogues; I know them. You mean the
quacks, the pale-faced wretches, the bare-footed
fellows, of whose numbers are the miserable Socrates and
Chaerephon.
Strep. Hold! Hold! Be silent! Do not say anything
foolish. But, if you have any concern for your father's
patrimony, become one of them, having given up your
horsemanship.
Phid. I would not, by Bacchus, even if you were to give
me the pheasants which Leogoras rears!
Strep. Go, I entreat you, dearest of men, go and be
taught.
Phid. Why, what shall I learn?
Strep. They say that among them are both the two
causes—the better cause, whichever that is, and the
worse: they say that the one of these two causes, the
worse, prevails, though it speaks on the unjust side.
If, therefore you learn for me this unjust cause, I
would not pay any one, not even an obolus of these
debts, which I owe at present on your account.
Phid. I can not comply; for I should not dare to look
upon the knights, having lost all my colour.
Strep. Then, by Ceres, you shall not eat any of my
good! Neither you, nor your blood-horse; but I will
drive you out of my house to the crows.
Phid. My uncle Megacles will not permit me to be without
a horse. But I'll go in, and pay no heed to you.
[Exit Phidippides.]
Strep. Though fallen, still I will not lie prostrate:
but having prayed to the gods, I will go myself to the
thinking-shop and get taught. How, then, being an old
man, shall I learn the subtleties of refined
disquisitions? I must go. Why thus do I loiter and not
knock at the door?
[Knocks at the door.]
Boy! Little boy!
Disciple (from within). Go to the devil! Who it is that
knocked at the door?
Strep. Strepsiades, the son of Phidon, of Cicynna.
Dis. You are a stupid fellow, by Jove! who have kicked
against the door so very carelessly, and have caused the
miscarriage of an idea which I had conceived.
Strep. Pardon me; for I dwell afar in the country. But
tell me the thing which has been made to miscarry.
Dis. It is not lawful to mention it, except to
disciples.
Strep. Tell it, then, to me without fear; for I here am
come as a disciple to the thinking-shop.
Dis. I will tell you; but you must regard these as
mysteries. Socrates lately asked Chaerephon about a
flea, how many of its own feet it jumped; for after
having bit the eyebrow of Chaerephon, it leaped away
onto the head of Socrates.
Strep. How then did he measure this?
Dis. Most cleverly. He melted some wax; and then took
the flea and dipped its feet in the wax; and then a pair
of Persian slippers stuck to it when cooled. Having
gently loosened these, he measured back the distance.
Strep. O King Jupiter! What subtlety of thought!
Dis. What then would you say if you heard another
contrivance of Socrates?
Strep. Of what kind? Tell me, I beseech you!
Dis. Chaerephon the Sphettian asked him whether he
thought gnats buzzed through the mouth or the breech.
Strep. What, then, did he say about the gnat?
Dis. He said the intestine of the gnat was narrow and
that the wind went forcibly through it, being slender,
straight to the breech; and then that the rump, being
hollow where it is adjacent to the narrow part,
resounded through the violence of the wind.
Strep. The rump of the gnats then is a trumpet! Oh,
thrice happy he for his sharp-sightedness! Surely a
defendant might easily get acquitted who understands the
intestine of the gnat.
Dis. But he was lately deprived of a great idea by a
lizard.
Strep. In what way? Tell me.
Dis. As he was investigating the courses of the moon and
her revolutions, then as he was gaping upward a lizard
in the darkness dropped upon him from the roof.
Strep. I am amused at a lizard's having dropped on
Socrates.
Dis. Yesterday evening there was no supper for us.
Strep. Well. What then did he contrive for provisions?
Dis. He sprinkled fine ashes on the table, and bent a
little spit, and then took it as a pair of compasses and
filched a cloak from the Palaestra.
Strep. Why then do we admire Thales? Open open quickly
the thinking-shop, and show to me Socrates as quickly as
possible. For I desire to be a disciple. Come, open the
door.
[The door of the thinking-shop opens and the pupils of
Socrates are seen all with their heads fixed on the
ground, while Socrates himself is seen suspended in the
air in a basket.]
O Hercules, from what country are these wild beasts?
Dis. What do you wonder at? To what do they seem to you
to be like?
Strep. To the Spartans who were taken at Pylos. But why
in the world do these look upon the ground?
Dis. They are in search of the things below the earth.
Strep. Then they are searching for roots. Do not, then,
trouble yourselves about this; for I know where there
are large and fine ones. Why, what are these doing, who
are bent down so much?
Dis. These are groping about in darkness under Tartarus.
Strep. Why then does their rump look toward heaven?
Dis. It is getting taught astronomy alone by itself.
[Turning to the pupils.]
But go in, lest he meet with us.
Strep. Not yet, not yet; but let them remain, that I may
communicate to them a little matter of my own.
Dis. It is not permitted to them to remain without in
the open air for a very long time.
[The pupils retire.]
Strep. (discovering a variety of mathematical
instruments) Why, what is this, in the name of heaven?
Tell me.
Dis. This is Astronomy.
Strep. But what is this?
Dis. Geometry.
Strep. What then is the use of this?
Dis. To measure out the land.
Strep. What belongs to an allotment?
Dis. No, but the whole earth.
Strep. You tell me a clever notion; for the contrivance
is democratic and useful.
Dis. (pointing to a map) See, here's a map of the whole
earth. Do you see? This is Athens.
Strep. What say you? I don't believe you; for I do not
see the Dicasts sitting.
Dis. Be assured that this is truly the Attic territory.
Strep. Why, where are my fellow-tribesmen of Cicynna?
Dis. Here they are. And Euboea here, as you see, is
stretched out a long way by the side of it to a great
distance.
Strep. I know that; for it was stretched by us and
Pericles. But where is Lacedaemon?
Dis. Where is it? Here it is.
Strep. How near it is to us! Pay great attention to
this, to remove it very far from us.
Dis. By Jupiter, it is not possible.
Strep. Then you will weep for it.
[Looking up and discovering Socrates.]
Come, who is this man who is in the basket?
Dis. Himself.
Strep. Who's "Himself"?
Dis. Socrates.
Strep. O Socrates! Come, you sir, call upon him loudly
for me.
Dis. Nay, rather, call him yourself; for I have no
leisure.
[Exit Disciple.]
Strep. Socrates! My little Socrates!
Socrates. Why callest thou me, thou creature of a day?
Strep. First tell me, I beseech you, what are you doing.
Soc. I am walking in the air, and speculating about the
sun.
Strep. And so you look down upon the gods from your
basket, and not from the earth?
Soc. For I should not have rightly discovered things
celestial if I had not suspended the intellect, and
mixed the thought in a subtle form with its kindred air.
But if, being on the ground, I speculated from below on
things above, I should never have discovered them. For
the earth forcibly attracts to itself the meditative
moisture. Water-cresses also suffer the very same thing.
Strep. What do you say? Does meditation attract the
moisture to the water-cresses? Come then, my little
Socrates, descend to me, that you may teach me those
things, for the sake of which I have come.
[Socrates lowers himself and gets out of the basket.]
Soc. And for what did you come?
Strep. Wishing to learn to speak; for by reason of
usury, and most ill-natured creditors, I am pillaged and
plundered, and have my goods seized for debt.
Soc. How did you get in debt without observing it?
Strep. A horse-disease consumed me—terrible at eating.
But teach me the other one of your two causes, that
which pays nothing; and I will swear by the gods, I will
pay down to you whatever reward you exact of me.
Soc. By what gods will you swear? For, in the first
place, gods are not a current coin with us.
Strep. By what do you swear? By iron money, as in
Byzantium?
Soc. Do you wish to know clearly celestial matters, what
they rightly are?
Strep. Yes, by Jupiter, if it be possible!
Soc. And to hold converse with the Clouds, our
divinities?
Strep. By all means.
Soc. (with great solemnity). Seat yourself, then, upon
the sacred couch.
Strep. Well, I am seated!
Soc. Take, then, this chaplet.
Strep. For what purpose a chaplet? Ah me! Socrates, see
that you do not sacrifice me like Athamas!
Strep. No; we do all these to those who get initiated.
Strep. Then what shall I gain, pray?
Soc. You shall become in oratory a tricky knave, a
thorough rattle, a subtle speaker. But keep quiet.
Strep. By Jupiter! You will not deceive me; for if I am
besprinkled, I shall become fine flour.
Soc. It becomes the old man to speak words of good omen,
and to hearken to my prayer. O sovereign King,
immeasurable Air, who keepest the earth suspended, and
through bright Aether, and ye august goddesses, the
Clouds, sending thunder and lightning, arise, appear in
the air, O mistresses, to your deep thinker!
Strep. Not yet, not yet, till I wrap this around me lest
I be wet through. To think of my having come from home
without even a cap, unlucky man!
Soc. Come then, ye highly honoured Clouds, for a display
to this man. Whether ye are sitting upon the sacred
snow-covered summits of Olympus, or in the gardens of
Father Ocean form a sacred dance with the Nymphs, or
draw in golden pitchers the streams of the waters of the
Nile, or inhabit the Maeotic lake, or the snowy rock of
Mimas, hearken to our prayer, and receive the sacrifice,
and be propitious to the sacred rites.
[The following song is heard at a distance, accompanied
by loud claps of thunder.]
Chorus. Eternal Clouds! Let us arise to view with our
dewy, clear-bright nature, from loud-sounding Father
Ocean to the wood-crowned summits of the lofty
mountains, in order that we may behold clearly the
far-seen watch-towers, and the fruits, and the
fostering, sacred earth, and the rushing sounds of the
divine rivers, and the roaring, loud-sounding sea; for
the unwearied eye of Aether sparkles with glittering
rays. Come, let us shake off the watery cloud from our
immortal forms and survey the earth with far-seeing eye.
Soc. O ye greatly venerable Clouds, ye have clearly
heard me when I called.
[Turning to Strepsiades.]
Did you hear the voice, and the thunder which bellowed
at the same time, feared as a god?
Strep. I too worship you, O ye highly honoured, and am
inclined to reply to the thundering, so much do I
tremble at them and am alarmed. And whether it be
lawful, or be not lawful, I have a desire just now to
ease myself.
Soc. Don't scoff, nor do what these poor-devil-poets do,
but use words of good omen, for a great swarm of
goddesses is in motion with their songs.
Cho. Ye rain-bringing virgins, let us come to the
fruitful land of Pallas, to view the much-loved country
of Cecrops, abounding in brave men; where is reverence
for sacred rites not to be divulged; where the house
that receives the initiated is thrown open in holy
mystic rites; and gifts to the celestial gods; and
high-roofed temples, and statues; and most sacred
processions in honour of the blessed gods; and
well-crowned sacrifices to the gods, and feasts, at all
seasons; and with the approach of spring the Bacchic
festivity, and the rousings of melodious choruses, and
the loud-sounding music of flutes.
Strep. Tell me, O Socrates, I beseech you, by Jupiter,
who are these that have uttered this grand song? Are
they some heroines?
Soc. By no means; but heavenly Clouds, great divinities
to idle men; who supply us with thought and argument,
and intelligence and humbug, and circumlocution, and
ability to hoax, and comprehension.
Strep. On this account therefore my soul, having heard
their voice, flutters, and already seeks to discourse
subtilely, and to quibble about smoke, and having
pricked a maxim with a little notion, to refute the
opposite argument. So that now I eagerly desire, if by
any means it be possible, to see them palpably.
Soc. Look, then, hither, toward Mount Parnes; for now I
behold them descending gently.
Strep. Pray where? Show me.
Soc. See! There they come in great numbers through the
hollows and thickets; there, obliquely.
Strep. What's the matter? For I can't see them.
Soc. By the entrance.
[Enter Chorus]
Strep. Now at length with difficulty I just see them.
Soc. Now at length you assuredly see them, unless you
have your eyes running pumpkins.
Strep. Yes, by Jupiter! O highly honoured Clouds, for
now they cover all things.
Soc. Did you not, however, know, nor yet consider, these
to be goddesses?
Strep. No, by Jupiter! But I thought them to be mist,
and dew, and smoke.
Soc. For you do not know, by Jupiter! that these feed
very many sophists, Thurian soothsayers, practisers of
medicine, lazy-long-haired-onyx-ring-wearers,
song-twisters for the cyclic dances, and meteorological
quacks. They feed idle people who do nothing, because
such men celebrate them in verse.
Strep. For this reason, then, they introduced into their
verses "the dreadful impetuosity of the moist,
whirling-bright clouds"; and the "curls of
hundred-headed Typho"; and the "hard-blowing tempests";
and then "aerial, moist"; "crooked-clawed birds,
floating in air"; and "the showers of rain from dewy
Clouds". And then, in return for these, they swallow
"slices of great, fine mullets, and bird's-flesh of
thrushes."
Soc. Is it not just, however, that they should have
their reward, on account of these?
Strep. Tell me, pray, if they are really clouds, what
ails them, that they resemble mortal women? For they are
not such.
Soc. Pray, of what nature are they?
Strep. I do not clearly know: at any rate they resemble
spread-out fleeces, and not women, by Jupiter! Not a
bit; for these have noses.
Soc. Answer, then, whatever I ask you.
Strep. Then say quickly what you wish.
Soc. Have you ever, when you; looked up, seen a cloud
like to a centaur, or a panther, or a wolf, or a bull?
Strep. By Jupiter, have I! But what of that?
Soc. They become all things, whatever they please. And
then if they see a person with long hair, a wild one of
these hairy fellows, like the son of Xenophantes, in
derision of his folly, they liken themselves to
centaurs.
Strep. Why, what, if they should see Simon, a plunderer
of the public property, what do they do?
Soc. They suddenly become wolves, showing up his
disposition.
Strep. For this reason, then, for this reason, when they
yesterday saw Cleonymus the recreant, on this account
they became stags, because they saw this most cowardly
fellow.
Soc. And now too, because they saw Clisthenes, you
observe, on this account they became women.
Strep. Hail therefore, O mistresses! And now, if ever ye
did to any other, to me also utter a voice reaching to
heaven, O all-powerful queens.
Cho. Hail, O ancient veteran, hunter after learned
speeches! And thou, O priest of most subtle trifles!
Tell us what you require? For we would not hearken to
any other of the recent meteorological sophists, except
to Prodicus; to him, on account of his wisdom and
intelligence; and to you, because you walk proudly in
the streets, and cast your eyes askance, and endure many
hardships with bare feet, and in reliance upon us
lookest supercilious.
Strep. O Earth, what a voice! How holy and dignified and
wondrous!
Soc. For, in fact, these alone are goddesses; and all
the rest is nonsense.
Strep. But come, by the Earth, is not Jupiter, the
Olympian, a god?
Soc. What Jupiter? Do not trifle. There is no Jupiter.
Strep. What do you say? Who rains then? For first of all
explain this to me.
Soc. These to be sure. I will teach you it by powerful
evidence. Come, where have you ever seen him raining at
any time without Clouds? And yet he ought to rain in
fine weather, and these be absent.
Strep. By Apollo, of a truth you have rightly confirmed
this by your present argument. And yet, before this, I
really thought that Jupiter caused the rain. But tell me
who is it that thunders. This makes me tremble.
Soc. These, as they roll, thunder.
Strep. In what way? you all-daring man!
Soc. When they are full of much water, and are compelled
to be borne along, being necessarily precipitated when
full of rain, then they fall heavily upon each other and
burst and clap.
Strep. Who is it that compels them to borne along? Is it
not Jupiter?
Soc. By no means, but aethereal Vortex.
Strep. Vortex? It had escaped my notice that Jupiter did
not exist, and that Vortex now reigned in his stead. But
you have taught me nothing as yet concerning the clap
and the thunder.
Soc. Have you not heard me, that I said that the Clouds,
when full of moisture, dash against each other and clap
by reason of their density?
Strep. Come, how am I to believe this?
Soc. I'll teach you from your own case. Were you ever,
after being stuffed with broth at the Panathenaic
festival, then disturbed in your belly, and did a
tumult suddenly rumble through it?
Strep. Yes, by Apollo! And immediately the little broth
plays the mischief with me, and is disturbed and rumbles
like thunder, and grumbles dreadfully: at first gently
pappax, pappax; and then it adds papa-pappax; and
finally, it thunders downright papapappax, as they do.
Soc. Consider, therefore, how you have trumpeted from a
little belly so small; and how is it not probable that
this air, being boundless, should thunder so loudly?
Strep. For this reason, therefore, the two names also
Trump and Thunder, are similar to each other. But teach
me this, whence comes the thunderbolt blazing with fire,
and burns us to ashes when it smites us, and singes
those who survive. For indeed Jupiter evidently hurls
this at the perjured.
Soc. Why, how then, you foolish person, and savouring of
the dark ages and antediluvian, if his manner is to
smite the perjured, does he not blast Simon, and
Cleonymus, and Theorus? And yet they are very perjured.
But he smites his own temple, and Sunium the promontory
of Athens, and the tall oaks. Wherefore, for indeed an
oak does not commit perjury.
Strep. I do not know; but you seem to speak well. For
what, pray, is the thunderbolt?
Soc. When a dry wind, having been raised aloft, is
inclosed in these Clouds, it inflates them within, like
a bladder; and then, of necessity, having burst them, it
rushes out with vehemence by reason of its density,
setting fire to itself through its rushing and
impetuosity.
Strep. By Jupiter, of a truth I once experienced this
exactly at the Diasian festival! I was roasting a
haggis for my kinsfolk, and through neglect I did not
cut it open; but it became inflated and then suddenly
bursting, befouled my eyes and burned my face.
Cho. O mortal, who hast desired great wisdom from us!
How happy will you become among the Athenians and among
the Greeks, if you be possessed of a good memory, and be
a deep thinker, and endurance of labour be implanted in
your soul, and you be not wearied either by standing or
walking, nor be exceedingly vexed at shivering with
cold, nor long to break your fast, and you refrain from
wine, and gymnastics, and the other follies, and
consider this the highest excellence, as is proper a
clever man should, to conquer by action and counsel, and
by battling with your tongue.
Strep. As far as regards a sturdy spirit, and care that
makes one's bed uneasy, and a frugal spirit and
hard-living and savory-eating belly, be of good courage
and don't trouble yourself; I would offer myself to
hammer on, for that matter.
Soc. Will you not, pray, now believe in no god, except
what we believe in—this Chaos, and the Clouds, and the
Tongue—these three?
Strep. Absolutely I would not even converse with the
others, not even if I met them; nor would I sacrifice to
them, nor make libations, nor offer frankincense.
Cho. Tell us then boldly, what we must do for you? For
you shall not fail in getting it, if you honour and
admire us, and seek to become clever.
Strep. O mistresses, I request of you then this very
small favour, that I be the best of the Greeks in
speaking by a hundred stadia.
Cho. Well, you shall have this from us, so that
hence-forward from this time no one shall get more
opinions passed in the public assemblies than you.
Strep. Grant me not to deliver important opinions; for I
do not desire these, but only to pervert the right for
my own advantage, and to evade my creditors.
Cho. Then you shall obtain what you desire; for you do
not covet great things. But commit yourself without fear
to our ministers.
Strep. I will do so in reliance upon you, for necessity
oppresses me, on account of the blood-horses, and the
marriage that ruined me. Now, therefore, let them use me
as they please. I give up this body to them to be
beaten, to be hungered, to be troubled with thirst, to
be squalid, to shiver with cold, to flay into a leathern
bottle, if I shall escape clear from my debts, and
appear to men to be bold, glib of tongue, audacious,
impudent, shameless, a fabricator of falsehoods,
inventive of words, a practiced knave in lawsuits, a
law-tablet, a thorough rattle, a fox, a sharper, a
slippery knave, a dissembler, a slippery fellow, an
impostor, a gallows-bird, a blackguard, a twister, a
troublesome fellow, a licker-up of hashes. If they call
me this, when they meet me, let them do to me absolutely
what they please. And if they like, by Ceres, let them
serve up a sausage out of me to the deep thinkers.
Cho. This man has a spirit not void of courage, but
prompt. Know, that if you learn these matters from me,
you will possess among mortals a glory as high as
heaven.
Strep. What shall I experience?
Cho. You shall pass with me the most enviable of mortal
lives the whole time.
Strep. Shall I then ever see this?
Cho. Yea, so that many be always seated at your gates,
wishing to communicate with you and come to a conference
with you, to consult with you as to actions and
affidavits of many talents, as is worthy of your
abilities.
[To Socrates.]
But attempt to teach the old man by degrees whatever you
purpose, and scrutinize his intellect, and make trial of
his mind.
Soc. Come now, tell me your own turn of mind; in order
that, when I know of what sort it is, I may now, after
this, apply to you new engines.
Strep. What? By the gods, do you purpose to besiege me?
Soc. No; I wish to briefly learn from you if you are
possessed of a good memory.
Strep. In two ways, by Jove! If anything be owing to me,
I have a very good memory; but if I owe unhappy man, I
am very forgetful.
Soc. Is the power of speaking, pray, implanted in your
nature?
Strep. Speaking is not in me, but cheating is.
Soc. How, then, will you be able to learn?
Strep. Excellently, of course.
Soc. Come, then, take care that, whenever I propound any
clever dogma about abstruse matters, you catch it up
immediately.
Strep. What then? Am I to feed upon wisdom like a dog?
Soc. This man is ignorant and brutish—I fear, old man,
lest you will need blows. Come, let me see; what do you
do if any one beat you?
Strep. I take the beating; and then, when I have waited
a little while, I call witnesses to prove it; then
again, after a short interval, I go to law.
again.]
But I am not able, miserable man, to sleep, being
tormented by my expenses, and my stud of horses, and my
debts, through this son of mine. He with his long hair,
is riding horses and driving curricles, and dreaming of
horses; while I am driven to distraction, as I see the
moon bringing on the twentieths; for the interest is
running on. Boy! Light a lamp, and bring forth my
tablets, that I may take them and read to how many I am
indebted, and calculate the interest.
[Enter boy with a light and tablets.]
Come, let me see; what do I owe? Twelve minae to
Pasias. Why twelve minae to Pasias? Why did I borrow
them? When I bought the blood-horse. Ah me, unhappy!
Would that it had had its eye knocked out with a stone
first!
Phidippides (talking in his sleep). You are acting
unfairly, Philo! Drive on your own course.
Strep. This is the bane that has destroyed me; for even
in his sleep he dreams about horsemanship.
Phid. How many courses will the war-chariots run?
Strep. Many courses do you drive me, your father. But
what debt came upon me after Pasias? Three minae to
Amynias for a little chariot and pair of wheels.
Phid. Lead the horse home, after having given him a good
rolling.
Strep. O foolish youth, you have rolled me out of my
possessions; since I have been cast in suits, and others
say that they will have surety given them for the
interest.
Phid. (awakening) Pray, father, why are you peevish, and
toss about the whole night?
Strep. A bailiff out of the bedclothes is biting
me.
Phid. Suffer me, good sir, to sleep a little.
Strep. Then, do you sleep on; but know that all these
debts will turn on your head.
[Phidippides falls asleep again.]
Alas! Would that the match-maker had perished miserably,
who induced me to marry your mother. For a country life
used to be most agreeable to me, dirty, untrimmed,
reclining at random, abounding in bees, and sheep, and
oil-cake. Then I, a rustic, married a niece of Megacles,
the son of Megacles, from the city, haughty, luxurious,
and Coesyrafied. When I married her, I lay with her
redolent of new wine, of the cheese-crate, and abundance
of wool; but she, on the contrary, of ointment, saffron,
wanton-kisses, extravagance, gluttony, and of Colias and
Genetyllis. I will not indeed say that she was idle;
but she wove. And I used to show her this cloak by way
of a pretext and say "Wife, you weave at a great
rate."
Servant re-enters.
Servant. We have no oil in the lamp.
Strep. Ah me! Why did you light the thirsty lamp? Come
hither that you may weep!
Ser. For what, pray, shall I weep?
Strep. Because you put in one of the thick wicks.
[Servant runs out]
After this, when this son was born to us, to me,
forsooth, and to my excellent wife, we squabbled then
about the name: for she was for adding hippos to the
name, Xanthippus, or Charippus, or Callipides; but I was
for giving him the name of his grandfather, Phidonides.
For a time therefore we disputed; and then at length we
agreed, and called him Phidippides. She used to take
this son and fondle him, saying, "When you, being grown
up, shall drive your chariot to the city, like Megacles,
with a xystis." But I used to say, "Nay, rather, when
dressed in a leathern jerkin, you shall drive goats from
Phelleus, like your father." He paid no attention to my
words, but poured a horse-fever over my property. Now,
therefore, by meditating the whole night, I have
discovered one path for my course extraordinarily
excellent; to which if I persuade this youth I shall be
saved. But first I wish to awake him. How then can I
awake him in the most agreeable manner? How?
Phidippides, my little Phidippides?
Phid. What, father?
Strep. Kiss me, and give me your right hand!
Phid. There. What's the matter?
Strep. Tell me, do you love me?
Phid. Yes, by this Equestrian Neptune.
Strep. Nay, do not by any means mention this Equestrian
to me, for this god is the author of my misfortunes.
But, if you really love me from your heart, my son, obey
me.
Phid. In what then, pray, shall I obey you?
Strep. Reform your habits as quickly as possible, and go
and learn what I advise.
Phid. Tell me now, what do you prescribe?
Strep. And will you obey me at all?
Phid. By Bacchus, I will obey you.
Strep. Look this way then! Do you see this little door
and little house?
Phid. I see it. What then, pray, is this, father?
Strep. This is a thinking-shop of wise spirits. There
dwell men who in speaking of the heavens persuade people
that it is an oven, and that it encompasses us, and that
we are the embers. These men teach, if one give them
money, to conquer in speaking, right or wrong.
Phid. Who are they?
Strep. I do not know the name accurately. They are
minute philosophers, noble and excellent.
Phid. Bah! They are rogues; I know them. You mean the
quacks, the pale-faced wretches, the bare-footed
fellows, of whose numbers are the miserable Socrates and
Chaerephon.
Strep. Hold! Hold! Be silent! Do not say anything
foolish. But, if you have any concern for your father's
patrimony, become one of them, having given up your
horsemanship.
Phid. I would not, by Bacchus, even if you were to give
me the pheasants which Leogoras rears!
Strep. Go, I entreat you, dearest of men, go and be
taught.
Phid. Why, what shall I learn?
Strep. They say that among them are both the two
causes—the better cause, whichever that is, and the
worse: they say that the one of these two causes, the
worse, prevails, though it speaks on the unjust side.
If, therefore you learn for me this unjust cause, I
would not pay any one, not even an obolus of these
debts, which I owe at present on your account.
Phid. I can not comply; for I should not dare to look
upon the knights, having lost all my colour.
Strep. Then, by Ceres, you shall not eat any of my
good! Neither you, nor your blood-horse; but I will
drive you out of my house to the crows.
Phid. My uncle Megacles will not permit me to be without
a horse. But I'll go in, and pay no heed to you.
[Exit Phidippides.]
Strep. Though fallen, still I will not lie prostrate:
but having prayed to the gods, I will go myself to the
thinking-shop and get taught. How, then, being an old
man, shall I learn the subtleties of refined
disquisitions? I must go. Why thus do I loiter and not
knock at the door?
[Knocks at the door.]
Boy! Little boy!
Disciple (from within). Go to the devil! Who it is that
knocked at the door?
Strep. Strepsiades, the son of Phidon, of Cicynna.
Dis. You are a stupid fellow, by Jove! who have kicked
against the door so very carelessly, and have caused the
miscarriage of an idea which I had conceived.
Strep. Pardon me; for I dwell afar in the country. But
tell me the thing which has been made to miscarry.
Dis. It is not lawful to mention it, except to
disciples.
Strep. Tell it, then, to me without fear; for I here am
come as a disciple to the thinking-shop.
Dis. I will tell you; but you must regard these as
mysteries. Socrates lately asked Chaerephon about a
flea, how many of its own feet it jumped; for after
having bit the eyebrow of Chaerephon, it leaped away
onto the head of Socrates.
Strep. How then did he measure this?
Dis. Most cleverly. He melted some wax; and then took
the flea and dipped its feet in the wax; and then a pair
of Persian slippers stuck to it when cooled. Having
gently loosened these, he measured back the distance.
Strep. O King Jupiter! What subtlety of thought!
Dis. What then would you say if you heard another
contrivance of Socrates?
Strep. Of what kind? Tell me, I beseech you!
Dis. Chaerephon the Sphettian asked him whether he
thought gnats buzzed through the mouth or the breech.
Strep. What, then, did he say about the gnat?
Dis. He said the intestine of the gnat was narrow and
that the wind went forcibly through it, being slender,
straight to the breech; and then that the rump, being
hollow where it is adjacent to the narrow part,
resounded through the violence of the wind.
Strep. The rump of the gnats then is a trumpet! Oh,
thrice happy he for his sharp-sightedness! Surely a
defendant might easily get acquitted who understands the
intestine of the gnat.
Dis. But he was lately deprived of a great idea by a
lizard.
Strep. In what way? Tell me.
Dis. As he was investigating the courses of the moon and
her revolutions, then as he was gaping upward a lizard
in the darkness dropped upon him from the roof.
Strep. I am amused at a lizard's having dropped on
Socrates.
Dis. Yesterday evening there was no supper for us.
Strep. Well. What then did he contrive for provisions?
Dis. He sprinkled fine ashes on the table, and bent a
little spit, and then took it as a pair of compasses and
filched a cloak from the Palaestra.
Strep. Why then do we admire Thales? Open open quickly
the thinking-shop, and show to me Socrates as quickly as
possible. For I desire to be a disciple. Come, open the
door.
[The door of the thinking-shop opens and the pupils of
Socrates are seen all with their heads fixed on the
ground, while Socrates himself is seen suspended in the
air in a basket.]
O Hercules, from what country are these wild beasts?
Dis. What do you wonder at? To what do they seem to you
to be like?
Strep. To the Spartans who were taken at Pylos. But why
in the world do these look upon the ground?
Dis. They are in search of the things below the earth.
Strep. Then they are searching for roots. Do not, then,
trouble yourselves about this; for I know where there
are large and fine ones. Why, what are these doing, who
are bent down so much?
Dis. These are groping about in darkness under Tartarus.
Strep. Why then does their rump look toward heaven?
Dis. It is getting taught astronomy alone by itself.
[Turning to the pupils.]
But go in, lest he meet with us.
Strep. Not yet, not yet; but let them remain, that I may
communicate to them a little matter of my own.
Dis. It is not permitted to them to remain without in
the open air for a very long time.
[The pupils retire.]
Strep. (discovering a variety of mathematical
instruments) Why, what is this, in the name of heaven?
Tell me.
Dis. This is Astronomy.
Strep. But what is this?
Dis. Geometry.
Strep. What then is the use of this?
Dis. To measure out the land.
Strep. What belongs to an allotment?
Dis. No, but the whole earth.
Strep. You tell me a clever notion; for the contrivance
is democratic and useful.
Dis. (pointing to a map) See, here's a map of the whole
earth. Do you see? This is Athens.
Strep. What say you? I don't believe you; for I do not
see the Dicasts sitting.
Dis. Be assured that this is truly the Attic territory.
Strep. Why, where are my fellow-tribesmen of Cicynna?
Dis. Here they are. And Euboea here, as you see, is
stretched out a long way by the side of it to a great
distance.
Strep. I know that; for it was stretched by us and
Pericles. But where is Lacedaemon?
Dis. Where is it? Here it is.
Strep. How near it is to us! Pay great attention to
this, to remove it very far from us.
Dis. By Jupiter, it is not possible.
Strep. Then you will weep for it.
[Looking up and discovering Socrates.]
Come, who is this man who is in the basket?
Dis. Himself.
Strep. Who's "Himself"?
Dis. Socrates.
Strep. O Socrates! Come, you sir, call upon him loudly
for me.
Dis. Nay, rather, call him yourself; for I have no
leisure.
[Exit Disciple.]
Strep. Socrates! My little Socrates!
Socrates. Why callest thou me, thou creature of a day?
Strep. First tell me, I beseech you, what are you doing.
Soc. I am walking in the air, and speculating about the
sun.
Strep. And so you look down upon the gods from your
basket, and not from the earth?
Soc. For I should not have rightly discovered things
celestial if I had not suspended the intellect, and
mixed the thought in a subtle form with its kindred air.
But if, being on the ground, I speculated from below on
things above, I should never have discovered them. For
the earth forcibly attracts to itself the meditative
moisture. Water-cresses also suffer the very same thing.
Strep. What do you say? Does meditation attract the
moisture to the water-cresses? Come then, my little
Socrates, descend to me, that you may teach me those
things, for the sake of which I have come.
[Socrates lowers himself and gets out of the basket.]
Soc. And for what did you come?
Strep. Wishing to learn to speak; for by reason of
usury, and most ill-natured creditors, I am pillaged and
plundered, and have my goods seized for debt.
Soc. How did you get in debt without observing it?
Strep. A horse-disease consumed me—terrible at eating.
But teach me the other one of your two causes, that
which pays nothing; and I will swear by the gods, I will
pay down to you whatever reward you exact of me.
Soc. By what gods will you swear? For, in the first
place, gods are not a current coin with us.
Strep. By what do you swear? By iron money, as in
Byzantium?
Soc. Do you wish to know clearly celestial matters, what
they rightly are?
Strep. Yes, by Jupiter, if it be possible!
Soc. And to hold converse with the Clouds, our
divinities?
Strep. By all means.
Soc. (with great solemnity). Seat yourself, then, upon
the sacred couch.
Strep. Well, I am seated!
Soc. Take, then, this chaplet.
Strep. For what purpose a chaplet? Ah me! Socrates, see
that you do not sacrifice me like Athamas!
Strep. No; we do all these to those who get initiated.
Strep. Then what shall I gain, pray?
Soc. You shall become in oratory a tricky knave, a
thorough rattle, a subtle speaker. But keep quiet.
Strep. By Jupiter! You will not deceive me; for if I am
besprinkled, I shall become fine flour.
Soc. It becomes the old man to speak words of good omen,
and to hearken to my prayer. O sovereign King,
immeasurable Air, who keepest the earth suspended, and
through bright Aether, and ye august goddesses, the
Clouds, sending thunder and lightning, arise, appear in
the air, O mistresses, to your deep thinker!
Strep. Not yet, not yet, till I wrap this around me lest
I be wet through. To think of my having come from home
without even a cap, unlucky man!
Soc. Come then, ye highly honoured Clouds, for a display
to this man. Whether ye are sitting upon the sacred
snow-covered summits of Olympus, or in the gardens of
Father Ocean form a sacred dance with the Nymphs, or
draw in golden pitchers the streams of the waters of the
Nile, or inhabit the Maeotic lake, or the snowy rock of
Mimas, hearken to our prayer, and receive the sacrifice,
and be propitious to the sacred rites.
[The following song is heard at a distance, accompanied
by loud claps of thunder.]
Chorus. Eternal Clouds! Let us arise to view with our
dewy, clear-bright nature, from loud-sounding Father
Ocean to the wood-crowned summits of the lofty
mountains, in order that we may behold clearly the
far-seen watch-towers, and the fruits, and the
fostering, sacred earth, and the rushing sounds of the
divine rivers, and the roaring, loud-sounding sea; for
the unwearied eye of Aether sparkles with glittering
rays. Come, let us shake off the watery cloud from our
immortal forms and survey the earth with far-seeing eye.
Soc. O ye greatly venerable Clouds, ye have clearly
heard me when I called.
[Turning to Strepsiades.]
Did you hear the voice, and the thunder which bellowed
at the same time, feared as a god?
Strep. I too worship you, O ye highly honoured, and am
inclined to reply to the thundering, so much do I
tremble at them and am alarmed. And whether it be
lawful, or be not lawful, I have a desire just now to
ease myself.
Soc. Don't scoff, nor do what these poor-devil-poets do,
but use words of good omen, for a great swarm of
goddesses is in motion with their songs.
Cho. Ye rain-bringing virgins, let us come to the
fruitful land of Pallas, to view the much-loved country
of Cecrops, abounding in brave men; where is reverence
for sacred rites not to be divulged; where the house
that receives the initiated is thrown open in holy
mystic rites; and gifts to the celestial gods; and
high-roofed temples, and statues; and most sacred
processions in honour of the blessed gods; and
well-crowned sacrifices to the gods, and feasts, at all
seasons; and with the approach of spring the Bacchic
festivity, and the rousings of melodious choruses, and
the loud-sounding music of flutes.
Strep. Tell me, O Socrates, I beseech you, by Jupiter,
who are these that have uttered this grand song? Are
they some heroines?
Soc. By no means; but heavenly Clouds, great divinities
to idle men; who supply us with thought and argument,
and intelligence and humbug, and circumlocution, and
ability to hoax, and comprehension.
Strep. On this account therefore my soul, having heard
their voice, flutters, and already seeks to discourse
subtilely, and to quibble about smoke, and having
pricked a maxim with a little notion, to refute the
opposite argument. So that now I eagerly desire, if by
any means it be possible, to see them palpably.
Soc. Look, then, hither, toward Mount Parnes; for now I
behold them descending gently.
Strep. Pray where? Show me.
Soc. See! There they come in great numbers through the
hollows and thickets; there, obliquely.
Strep. What's the matter? For I can't see them.
Soc. By the entrance.
[Enter Chorus]
Strep. Now at length with difficulty I just see them.
Soc. Now at length you assuredly see them, unless you
have your eyes running pumpkins.
Strep. Yes, by Jupiter! O highly honoured Clouds, for
now they cover all things.
Soc. Did you not, however, know, nor yet consider, these
to be goddesses?
Strep. No, by Jupiter! But I thought them to be mist,
and dew, and smoke.
Soc. For you do not know, by Jupiter! that these feed
very many sophists, Thurian soothsayers, practisers of
medicine, lazy-long-haired-onyx-ring-wearers,
song-twisters for the cyclic dances, and meteorological
quacks. They feed idle people who do nothing, because
such men celebrate them in verse.
Strep. For this reason, then, they introduced into their
verses "the dreadful impetuosity of the moist,
whirling-bright clouds"; and the "curls of
hundred-headed Typho"; and the "hard-blowing tempests";
and then "aerial, moist"; "crooked-clawed birds,
floating in air"; and "the showers of rain from dewy
Clouds". And then, in return for these, they swallow
"slices of great, fine mullets, and bird's-flesh of
thrushes."
Soc. Is it not just, however, that they should have
their reward, on account of these?
Strep. Tell me, pray, if they are really clouds, what
ails them, that they resemble mortal women? For they are
not such.
Soc. Pray, of what nature are they?
Strep. I do not clearly know: at any rate they resemble
spread-out fleeces, and not women, by Jupiter! Not a
bit; for these have noses.
Soc. Answer, then, whatever I ask you.
Strep. Then say quickly what you wish.
Soc. Have you ever, when you; looked up, seen a cloud
like to a centaur, or a panther, or a wolf, or a bull?
Strep. By Jupiter, have I! But what of that?
Soc. They become all things, whatever they please. And
then if they see a person with long hair, a wild one of
these hairy fellows, like the son of Xenophantes, in
derision of his folly, they liken themselves to
centaurs.
Strep. Why, what, if they should see Simon, a plunderer
of the public property, what do they do?
Soc. They suddenly become wolves, showing up his
disposition.
Strep. For this reason, then, for this reason, when they
yesterday saw Cleonymus the recreant, on this account
they became stags, because they saw this most cowardly
fellow.
Soc. And now too, because they saw Clisthenes, you
observe, on this account they became women.
Strep. Hail therefore, O mistresses! And now, if ever ye
did to any other, to me also utter a voice reaching to
heaven, O all-powerful queens.
Cho. Hail, O ancient veteran, hunter after learned
speeches! And thou, O priest of most subtle trifles!
Tell us what you require? For we would not hearken to
any other of the recent meteorological sophists, except
to Prodicus; to him, on account of his wisdom and
intelligence; and to you, because you walk proudly in
the streets, and cast your eyes askance, and endure many
hardships with bare feet, and in reliance upon us
lookest supercilious.
Strep. O Earth, what a voice! How holy and dignified and
wondrous!
Soc. For, in fact, these alone are goddesses; and all
the rest is nonsense.
Strep. But come, by the Earth, is not Jupiter, the
Olympian, a god?
Soc. What Jupiter? Do not trifle. There is no Jupiter.
Strep. What do you say? Who rains then? For first of all
explain this to me.
Soc. These to be sure. I will teach you it by powerful
evidence. Come, where have you ever seen him raining at
any time without Clouds? And yet he ought to rain in
fine weather, and these be absent.
Strep. By Apollo, of a truth you have rightly confirmed
this by your present argument. And yet, before this, I
really thought that Jupiter caused the rain. But tell me
who is it that thunders. This makes me tremble.
Soc. These, as they roll, thunder.
Strep. In what way? you all-daring man!
Soc. When they are full of much water, and are compelled
to be borne along, being necessarily precipitated when
full of rain, then they fall heavily upon each other and
burst and clap.
Strep. Who is it that compels them to borne along? Is it
not Jupiter?
Soc. By no means, but aethereal Vortex.
Strep. Vortex? It had escaped my notice that Jupiter did
not exist, and that Vortex now reigned in his stead. But
you have taught me nothing as yet concerning the clap
and the thunder.
Soc. Have you not heard me, that I said that the Clouds,
when full of moisture, dash against each other and clap
by reason of their density?
Strep. Come, how am I to believe this?
Soc. I'll teach you from your own case. Were you ever,
after being stuffed with broth at the Panathenaic
festival, then disturbed in your belly, and did a
tumult suddenly rumble through it?
Strep. Yes, by Apollo! And immediately the little broth
plays the mischief with me, and is disturbed and rumbles
like thunder, and grumbles dreadfully: at first gently
pappax, pappax; and then it adds papa-pappax; and
finally, it thunders downright papapappax, as they do.
Soc. Consider, therefore, how you have trumpeted from a
little belly so small; and how is it not probable that
this air, being boundless, should thunder so loudly?
Strep. For this reason, therefore, the two names also
Trump and Thunder, are similar to each other. But teach
me this, whence comes the thunderbolt blazing with fire,
and burns us to ashes when it smites us, and singes
those who survive. For indeed Jupiter evidently hurls
this at the perjured.
Soc. Why, how then, you foolish person, and savouring of
the dark ages and antediluvian, if his manner is to
smite the perjured, does he not blast Simon, and
Cleonymus, and Theorus? And yet they are very perjured.
But he smites his own temple, and Sunium the promontory
of Athens, and the tall oaks. Wherefore, for indeed an
oak does not commit perjury.
Strep. I do not know; but you seem to speak well. For
what, pray, is the thunderbolt?
Soc. When a dry wind, having been raised aloft, is
inclosed in these Clouds, it inflates them within, like
a bladder; and then, of necessity, having burst them, it
rushes out with vehemence by reason of its density,
setting fire to itself through its rushing and
impetuosity.
Strep. By Jupiter, of a truth I once experienced this
exactly at the Diasian festival! I was roasting a
haggis for my kinsfolk, and through neglect I did not
cut it open; but it became inflated and then suddenly
bursting, befouled my eyes and burned my face.
Cho. O mortal, who hast desired great wisdom from us!
How happy will you become among the Athenians and among
the Greeks, if you be possessed of a good memory, and be
a deep thinker, and endurance of labour be implanted in
your soul, and you be not wearied either by standing or
walking, nor be exceedingly vexed at shivering with
cold, nor long to break your fast, and you refrain from
wine, and gymnastics, and the other follies, and
consider this the highest excellence, as is proper a
clever man should, to conquer by action and counsel, and
by battling with your tongue.
Strep. As far as regards a sturdy spirit, and care that
makes one's bed uneasy, and a frugal spirit and
hard-living and savory-eating belly, be of good courage
and don't trouble yourself; I would offer myself to
hammer on, for that matter.
Soc. Will you not, pray, now believe in no god, except
what we believe in—this Chaos, and the Clouds, and the
Tongue—these three?
Strep. Absolutely I would not even converse with the
others, not even if I met them; nor would I sacrifice to
them, nor make libations, nor offer frankincense.
Cho. Tell us then boldly, what we must do for you? For
you shall not fail in getting it, if you honour and
admire us, and seek to become clever.
Strep. O mistresses, I request of you then this very
small favour, that I be the best of the Greeks in
speaking by a hundred stadia.
Cho. Well, you shall have this from us, so that
hence-forward from this time no one shall get more
opinions passed in the public assemblies than you.
Strep. Grant me not to deliver important opinions; for I
do not desire these, but only to pervert the right for
my own advantage, and to evade my creditors.
Cho. Then you shall obtain what you desire; for you do
not covet great things. But commit yourself without fear
to our ministers.
Strep. I will do so in reliance upon you, for necessity
oppresses me, on account of the blood-horses, and the
marriage that ruined me. Now, therefore, let them use me
as they please. I give up this body to them to be
beaten, to be hungered, to be troubled with thirst, to
be squalid, to shiver with cold, to flay into a leathern
bottle, if I shall escape clear from my debts, and
appear to men to be bold, glib of tongue, audacious,
impudent, shameless, a fabricator of falsehoods,
inventive of words, a practiced knave in lawsuits, a
law-tablet, a thorough rattle, a fox, a sharper, a
slippery knave, a dissembler, a slippery fellow, an
impostor, a gallows-bird, a blackguard, a twister, a
troublesome fellow, a licker-up of hashes. If they call
me this, when they meet me, let them do to me absolutely
what they please. And if they like, by Ceres, let them
serve up a sausage out of me to the deep thinkers.
Cho. This man has a spirit not void of courage, but
prompt. Know, that if you learn these matters from me,
you will possess among mortals a glory as high as
heaven.
Strep. What shall I experience?
Cho. You shall pass with me the most enviable of mortal
lives the whole time.
Strep. Shall I then ever see this?
Cho. Yea, so that many be always seated at your gates,
wishing to communicate with you and come to a conference
with you, to consult with you as to actions and
affidavits of many talents, as is worthy of your
abilities.
[To Socrates.]
But attempt to teach the old man by degrees whatever you
purpose, and scrutinize his intellect, and make trial of
his mind.
Soc. Come now, tell me your own turn of mind; in order
that, when I know of what sort it is, I may now, after
this, apply to you new engines.
Strep. What? By the gods, do you purpose to besiege me?
Soc. No; I wish to briefly learn from you if you are
possessed of a good memory.
Strep. In two ways, by Jove! If anything be owing to me,
I have a very good memory; but if I owe unhappy man, I
am very forgetful.
Soc. Is the power of speaking, pray, implanted in your
nature?
Strep. Speaking is not in me, but cheating is.
Soc. How, then, will you be able to learn?
Strep. Excellently, of course.
Soc. Come, then, take care that, whenever I propound any
clever dogma about abstruse matters, you catch it up
immediately.
Strep. What then? Am I to feed upon wisdom like a dog?
Soc. This man is ignorant and brutish—I fear, old man,
lest you will need blows. Come, let me see; what do you
do if any one beat you?
Strep. I take the beating; and then, when I have waited
a little while, I call witnesses to prove it; then
again, after a short interval, I go to law.