OLDER TED: Kids, I'm gonna tell you an incredible story.
The story of how I met your mother.
- Are we being punished for something - No.
- Yeah, is this gonna take a while? - Yes.
Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other life.
It was way back in 2005.
I was 27, just starting to make it as an architect and living in New York with Marshall, my best friend from college.
My life was good.
And then Uncle Marshall went and screwed the whole thing up.
Will you marry me? Yes.
Perfect.
And then you're engaged, you pop the champagne, you drink a toast, you have sex on the kitchen floor.
- Don't have sex on our kitchen floor.
- Got it.
Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted.
Dude, are you kidding? It's you and Lily.
I've been there for all the big moments of you and Lily.
The night you met, your first date, other first things.
Yeah, sorry, we thought you were asleep.
It's physics, Marshall.
If the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves, too.
My God, you're getting engaged tonight.
Yeah.
What are you doing tonight? What was I doing? Here, Uncle Marshall was taking the biggest step of his life.
And me? I'm calling up your Uncle Barney.
Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian girls? Well, now I've got a new favorite.
Lebanese girls.
Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians.
Hey, you wanna do something tonight? Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes.
And suit up! - Hey.
- Where's your suit? Just once, when I say 'suit up,' I wish you'd put on a suit.
- I did.
That one time.
- It was a blazer.
You know, ever since college it's been Marshall and Lily and me.
Now it's gonna be Marshall and Lily and me.
They'll get married, start a family.
Before long, I'm that weird middle-aged bachelor their kids call 'Uncle Ted.
' I see what this is about.
Have you forgotten what I said to you the night we met? Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live.
- Barney.
We met at the urinal.
- Oh, right.
Hi.
Lesson one, lose the goatee.
It doesn't go with your suit.
- I'm not wearing a suit.
- Lesson two, get a suit.
Suits are cool.
Exhibit A.
Lesson three, don't even think about getting married till you're 30.